There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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