Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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