Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
