Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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