Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
