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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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