I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
