I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
