Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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