u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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