I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
