I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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