Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
