I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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