I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
