And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
