He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
