I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
