You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
