I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
