Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't deserve a penis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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