Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
