I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
