I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
