I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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