foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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