i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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