Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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