can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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