Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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