i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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