i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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