I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
