also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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