Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
