Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
