i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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