i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
