Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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