I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
