this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
