dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
