i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
