Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
