i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
