the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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