hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
