You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
