I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
