I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
