a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He felt like a one man threesome
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
