Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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