sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
