Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Vodka?
Forever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
