he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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