guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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