i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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