I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
