At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
