Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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