If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
