when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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