I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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