dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
