I didn't shave. On purpose
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize